If I Do All The Do's...

November 3

I barely slept last night. The buzzing in my hand wouldn't let me slip into sleep. And even in the exhaustion, when my body would finally just want to give up, the buzzing would increase along with the pain, and I wouldn't be allowed to slip into that heavenly slumber. My head started to hurt in a way I've never felt before. My brain was so exhausted. It merely needed rest, and the pain in my hand wouldn't let it. I got up and tried an ice pack, but that wouldn't work. Finally, at 3:00 in the morning, I got up and went and got the gabapentin that my doctor prescribed for nerve pain. I stopped taking it at night because it made me even more exhausted during the day, but I need sleep. So this morning, I was lying in bed and thinking about the situation I'm in. I am thinking about the fact that so many of the things I do, have been taken away. I'm not sure how to explain this, but I'll try.

For as long as I can remember, I've tried really hard to be good. I would hear some new trinket of wisdom or learn something and try to integrate that into my life. The first one I remember is as a little girl at Sunday school. The lesson for that day was the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That really touched my heart, and I have tried to live that out from that day until this. What God showed me this morning is that I have spent my life building a framework for my life in which to live. It's kind of like a framework or scaffolding all around me that holds me up and keeps life moving the way I want. It makes me feel safe from common pitfalls and heartache. That's what he's taking away.

I was very fearful as a child. I watched the people around me make mistakes. Then they would be upset over the consequences of their actions. Repeatedly I would think; make a note of that, and never make that mistake. If I had stopped there, I might have been fine. I took all these do's and don'ts and thought this would keep me safe. If I do all the do's, all will be well. Instead of trusting God, I have trusted His principles. It is a subtle difference, but it put me in control instead of God.

I realized I've tried not to need God. I have made certain rules that I need to live by. Read my Bible every day, forgive others, be kind, do not be judgmental, have grace and mercy for others, read good books, volunteer, always be aware of yourself, and become a better person. The crazy thing is these are all good things; they don't seem like sin. They seem like righteousness. But they're not. If I'm using this framework that I have built for my peace, joy, or growth, it is sin. Only God can provide those things in my life. I think that's why he's breaking down my framework. It has worked really well for far too long. I am just starting to learn how twisted this all is. I will continue this tomorrow...