Good-Bye Self Judgement

As soon as God made it clear what I had done I broke it off.

July 19

On my way to church this morning I was thinking about some of the inner healing I have been experiencing lately. I’m not really sure how or why I was thinking about some of the events of my childhood, other than I think God wanted to reveal more. So many of my deep wounds are tied to my older brother. We now know that he is a sociopath, but back then we just saw a troubled kid. I have always been able to see some of the blessings God bestowed on me through such a difficult brother. I saw his mistakes and wanted nothing to do with that. I saw the pain he caused my mom and dad and wanted nothing to do with that. I saw that he never listened to wise counsel. He refused to take responsibility for His actions. He was selfish and mean. As I saw the worst in him it inspired me to strive to be my best. All good intentions. The problem is that our words have power and the Deceiver wants to harm us with our own words, especially when we are young and don’t know the power of a vow. God revealed to me that when I said I would never do what David did. I made an inner vow. I said I would never ignore the advice of others. I would never blame others for my mistakes. I would learn from others’ mistakes so I could stay away from disaster. On the surface, this looks good, but God revealed to me that I had simply bound judgment to myself. This is why I am always so quick to judge my actions and motives. What did I do wrong, or how could I have done it better, or how can I fix it. Even when I know I have done nothing wrong I feel guilty for even thinking those thoughts. What I meant to protect me from mistakes just made me feel responsible for other people’s behavior. I caused me to judge myself more harshly for others. I have always had so much more grace for others than myself. I would not even speak of the guilt I felt for I knew friends or family would would tell me it wasn't true and try to comfort me. As soon as God made clear to me what I had done, I immediately asked God to forgive me and broke off that spirit of self-judgment. One more piece of my soul free. One more piece of my heart healed. Thank you, God.