Beautiful Time of Guided Prayer

Just when I think I have nothing to write, God does something amazing.

September 16

It’s really late and I was about to go to bed. I wasn't sure what to write about today, so I decided to spend a little time praying. I prayed my Ephesians prayer and I prayed my prayer of surrender, then I used John Eldridge’s app, One Minute Pause. It is a beautiful time of guided, meditative prayer. It isn’t as long as my centering prayer and since it is so late and I am tired I wanted something a little shorter, but I really needed to connect with God before I went to bed. The first 5 minutes is just about restoring your union with God. The second 5 minutes you have a choice of, guidance, healing, or simply worship. I normally just worship, but tonight I felt lead to choose healing. I didn’t have anything in mind, I've just been a little melancholy. I have chalked it up to being busy and tired. So, I was really surprised when God brought to the forefront of my mind a memory. Something I haven’t thought of in a really long time. And tonight I realized this is a key to healing my feelings of not being enough, trying to prove my worth. Not so much to others, but to myself. Feeling's of being left behind, forgotten and having little to offer. I know this is not true, and I have ignored these feeling for a long time. They don't really affect me much anymore, they are mostly annoying. So this is the memory God wants to address.

When I was 19 I had moved to Florida from Canada. My family had gone down to Florida to visit my mother's sister and I stayed. I got a job and an apartment and tried to settle in. Sometime over the summer my mother, father and two brothers were visiting family in Newfoundland Canada. My older brother and my Uncle got in a car to go pick up my younger brother and cousin from a dance. On the way home my older brother was driving and lost control of the car and crashed. My uncle and his daughter were both killed. My 2 brothers survived.

When my aunt called to tell me about the accident, I asked her to book my ticket with hers and I would pay her for it. That way we could be on the same flight. I needed to go and be with my mom and my family. My aunt told me not to go. Not to spend the money. The more I protested and said I needed to go, I wanted to be there for them, the more she told me I wasn’t needed. Actually, she said I would just be in the way. It would be best if I just stayed back. Years later I found out how missed I was. And how much I was needed. I have always regretted listening to her.

Tonight God showed me how her words confirmed in my heart lies the enemy had planted years earlier. I was simply wanting to connect with God before I went to bed. I was obedient to pray healing when I didn't even know I needed to be healed. He met me and is healing my heart and memories again . Thank you, Lord.