A Deeper Knowing

If I was given the paradise I crave, it would teach me to rest my heart here.

July 6

For a good part of my life, my goal was to avoid pain. Do the right thing, learn from others’ mistakes, listen to God, and obey immediately. I saw the pain and suffering caused by stupid decisions and careless behavior. I wanted none of that! So I tried to create the perfect pain-free life. I missed out on so much because of the fear of pain. Physical pain, emotional pain, it didn’t matter. I just wanted safe perfection. I wanted the land of milk and honey. I understood that this was impossible, but never-the-less, I was striving to get as close as I could. The better I was, the less pain I would feel. My goal was no pain.

It was a really silly goal. I know that. But it felt safer than risk. Now, my goal is to Know God. Know him deeply and intimately. I allow the pain to draw me back to Him. When I am hurting or disappointed I draw close to God. I am on high alert for where He is and what he is doing.

At the beginning of this journey of going to Him with my pain and worries, He would give me a glimpse of the good that would come out of each painful situation and it calmed my heart and gave me hope. I remember the day I had asked the familiar question I had been asking for quite some time. “What are you doing with this, where is the good?” and He simply said, “Just trust Me.”

He was taking me to a new level of trust. I had to trust Him, not the good thing He was doing.

Today, it is even deeper still. Allow the pain. Stop running from it. I take my pain or disappointment and allow it to draw me deeper to Him. Knowing that God has deemed it necessary for a moment, and our life is but a moment. If I was given the paradise I crave, it would teach me to rest my heart here. It would hinder my returning to God. I have spent too much of my life being a human doing instead of a human being. Trying to create the Garden. I am learning to just be with God. I am learning to rest. Not an easy thing for me. But when I let go and am truly quiet with Him, I feel His face shining down on me.