Don't Minimize The Offense Or The Hurt.

As a young girl, I realized that bitterness and unforgiveness only hurt the one holding it. I watched my aunt be consumed by it after she left her husband. My uncle was not a good man. He had emotionally abused and hurt her for years. When she finally left, she was bitter about all she had lost, and all he had done to her; she hung on to all the pain and suffering as evidence of the wrong done. My aunt was still living in the pain of her marriage. He, on the other hand, was merrily on his way. As an outsider looking in, I could see the senselessness in how she was living and decided to never do that. So when God brought an issue of unforgiveness to my awareness, I was surprised. I like to keep short accounts. I know what bitterness and offense feel like, and I don't like it. I take those things to God until I have truly and completely let them go. As I listened to a teaching on forgiveness, he said not to minimize the offense. Don't make excuses for what you feel. If you only admit a small offense, you only forgive a small offense, even though you experience something much more.

I realized that I had some forgiveness work to do. What surprised me is that it is myself and God I need to forgive. I know the truth about God. I know He loves me and would never allow something in my life that could not be used for my good and His glory. I have experienced this more than once. I think all of us have. When I have been disappointed in life or found myself in a difficult or painful situation, I know the truth, God is good and has good plans for me, but I have still felt the pain and disappointment of hardships. I still live with the consequences of these events in my life. I still suffer the loss. I still wish it could be different. Like when my mom died. I still miss her every day, and I don't know if that will ever change.

Before my mom passed, I was able to spend most of the summer with her. I took my children, and we traveled to Canada, where she and my dad lived. We had been praying for my mom's healing for years as she waited on the lung transplant list. One night as I was saying prayers before tucking in my then 12-year-old daughter, she asked, "Why hasn't God healed Nanny?"

As I lay beside her, not having an answer, I prayed. I knew this was a much bigger question than just my mom. This was about my daughter's faith. As I asked God what to tell her, this is what He laid on my heart.

Just because we don't understand God's plan, and I don't understand it, doesn't mean His plan isn't good. Just because I don't like God's plan doesn't mean it's not right. I don't understand this, and I don't like it. If it was up to me, Nanny would have gotten her lungs a long time ago. No, wait, God would have simply healed her. No surgery, no anti-rejection drugs, just restored health. But it is not my plan, it is His, and all I can do is trust His plan. Just because His plan doesn't look good doesn't mean it isn't good. Often God's idea of good and our idea of good are very different. Sometimes, we can look back at these times and get a glimpse of understanding, and sometimes we can't. But we know that God is good, and His plans for us are good. Even if we don't understand, we can trust Him.

I still believe that this is true. I have trusted God with my mom's life and death, but I also minimized the pain and suffering that He could have taken away. Instead of facing my anger and deep disappointment, I justified what God did. I tried telling myself that it was for good, even though I didn't understand. I told myself I was trusting God. God has done nothing wrong or against me, and I genuinely believe that. But in my heart, I have to deal with the depth of the pain and disappointment and loss, so I can release it all. The more honest I am, the more I can let go. This is not the time to cover up and say it's okay. This is the time to be incredibly honest.

You could say that since God is perfect, there is never a need to forgive Him. And you are correct; He has never done anything wrong. Me, on the other hand, I have been trying not to hold on to this pain and significant loss. I am trying to trust the one who could have saved my mom and didn't. I am trying not to distrust God. I am not being honest with my pain and disappointment.

As we experience the trials of life, we may blame God or feel let down by Him. Maybe we had false expectations of what He would do or not do. God may have been lovingly working out His plan, but to us, it looks like disaster and devastation. When our expectations were not met, it was easy to consciously or subconsciously judge God and hold Him responsible. Distrust can slip in along with unbelief, bitterness, and anger.

When we take all of that to God and release God for all the ways we felt let down or offended by Him, we are set free. This invisible barrier between us is removed, and our relationship is restored. I am not forgiving God; I am releasing God from my false expectations. It was those unmet expectations that caused distrust, fear, and maybe a little bitterness to sneak in. I choose to let go and build my relationship with Him on truth and trust.

The truth is… He is always for me, and I can put my trust in that.