Am I Living The Christian Life Or Is Christ Living In Me?

When I was still very trapped by fear in my early twenties, I longed to go to church. I lived alone and knew no one that would want to go with me. But, the idea of walking through the doors of that big building almost paralyzed me. So, I prayed the night before and asked Jesus to please just walk in with me down the aisle and see me to my seat; once I was seated, I knew I would be fine. And that's what He graciously did week after week. I felt him hold my arm all the way down the aisle. I would sit right up front, and I would get there early, so no one else was in the sanctuary, and I could slip into my seat unnoticed.

I could sit by myself and not have to see anyone else walk in. Today, I realized I should have invited Jesus to just stay with me. I had told him that I needed him to walk me in and get me to my seat. Then I would be fine. If Jesus would just get me there. And so he did. I realize I've done this a lot in my life. I would seek him to help me with the solutions and answers, the best way to say something or do something. Jesus has guided my steps so much of my life. The problem is I then took that information and tried to do it on my own. Just like when I was younger and went to church and asked Him to walk me down the aisle, set me in my seat, and then He could go.

Teach me, and I will do it. Tell me the way to go, and I will go. I would pray for wisdom and guidance; I would pray for strength and courage. He never failed me. The problem is I've tried to do it in my own strength. I thought showing me the answer was enough. I realize now, all those years ago, when I asked him to walk me into the church, I should have asked him to sit beside me and never leave me. The truth is he never did, but because I didn't expect to see him there, I didn't rely on his power. But now, I'm learning not just to ask him for his wisdom and truth and guidance and all those other wonderful things in my life. I'm asking him to do it through me. I am in Christ, and Christ is in me. It is no longer I who live, but Christ that lives in me. I don't have to learn the lesson and then hope I do it right. I can just let go and let God. Those words sound really simple; it is such a subtle shift it's hard to explain.

I know how to be patient and kind with difficult people who are deeply wounded. When I would choose whether or not to speak or share or confront, it was because it was the right thing to do. I didn't want to cause drama or stir the pot or make things worse. Being good and making the right decisions was my goal. God's principles were my guide, but I was the one in control. Now when I'm choosing to be quiet, it is because the Holy Spirit has told me to hold my tongue. The action looks the same. I'm still loving and kind. I am thoughtfully choosing my words. But the motive is entirely different. In the first example, I'm trying to do the right thing, I'm trying to manage things, I'm trying to avoid the fallout. I might be hoping and praying and waiting for God to work this all out, but I've been doing it in my own strength. Now when I am quiet, it is simply because God said it isn't the time to speak. I can patiently wait until God gives me the time and the words to speak. I am no longer managing my behavior and trying to make all the right decisions. That job belongs to God. I am hanging up my hat.

I think when you go from living utterly opposite to the ways of God to living for God, it can be less complicated than what I'm learning to do. When it is a complete change and turning in a completely opposite direction from where you going, the lines are apparent. But what I'm doing is such a subtle change. I'm still doing the same things I was before. Yet something inside is different. I'm not trying to manage things or find the best routines and structure to make life work. I'm learning to daily lay things down and trust God with the results. Trust that if I need to say something, He will give me the words. Trust that if I need to do something or go somewhere that He will guide my steps. If there is a truth I need to understand, He will reveal it. Trusting that I can't mess it up. I'm not in control, and I don't want to be.

Walking with God, listening for His guidance and direction, moment by moment. Trusting the Holy Spirit to live in me and through me. Nothing has changed, yet everything has changed.